Screwed
by Kuro-Cha'Nay'Nay
Summary: AU- Present day. Sebastian travels with his boyfriend Ciel and roomates Grell, Alois, and Claude to America to try some world-famous KFC. But since when has fried chicken had the ability to teleport people against their will? /Crack fic/.
1. The Taste of KFC

**Summary: AU- Present day. Sebastian takes his boyfriend Ciel and roomates Grell, Alois, and Claude to America to try some world-famous KFC. But since when has fried chicken had the ability to teleport people against their will?**

**Warnings: Perverted humor, bad language, OOCness, and implied sexual activity in later chapters. ((If anyone thinks there needs to be a change, I will gladly switch the rating to M.))**

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"Alright, guys, it's time to get up!" Sebastian shouted, bursting through the door and quickly pulling up the blinds. Loud, irritated groans emitted from the four men sleeping in the room.

"Ugh, Sebas-chan, go awaaaayyy!" Grell howled, pulling the blankets up over his head. "What's the rush? Can't we sleep just a little bit longer?"

"No, we cannot." Sebastian smiled as he circled the room, giving each Grell, Alois, and Claude a sharp kick to the stomach. "Get the fuck up, get the fuck up, PLEASE get your ugly ass up.." Claude scowled and flipped him off. "And…" The young man made his way over to Ciel's bed and gently lifted the boy up, placing a kiss on his lips. "Good morning, sweetie!" The boy yawned and returned the kiss. "Good morning, Sebastian.."

"Ohmaygawd Sebas-chan, that's disgusting! You're such a pedophile!" Grell wailed, jealousy filling his heart at the sight. "Seriously, dude! You're like twenty and he's fourteen ! Why are you even dating him when you can have me?"

Ciel smirked and stuck his tongue out at the older man. "Honestly. You think that Sebastian would prefer a red-obsessed fatass over the sex king that is ME? You've gotta be kidding!" With that, Grell began throwing a tantrum. "Ohmaygawd! You're so cruel! Why does everyone hate me? FUCK YOU! YOU'RE A MONSTER! A MONSTER!" Grabbing a pillow off his bed, Grell ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. "I hate my life!"

"Well, that was pleasant." Sebastian sighed.

"Aww, poor Grell. He has nothing compared to us, Claude~."Alois climbed onto the older man's lap. "Our love will be fore-" Claude irritably shoved the boy away. "How many times do I have to tell you? We are NOT dating! I refuse to go out with a fifteen year old. Go find someone else to grope, attention whore."

"ANYWAYS…" Sebastian interrupted before Alois could begin to complain. "Like I said, you gotta get up. It's time to get ready for the day."

"Oh, really? And what magical adventure do we have the pleasure accompanying you on today?" Claude replied sarcastically, rubbing his eyes.

"We're going to Kentucky Fried Chicken, of course! Otherwise known as KFC." Sebastian proudly proclaimed. Alois narrowed his eyes. "You woke us up for fried chicken? Really?"

"Yes, _really_. You seemed to be forgetting that this chicken is the reason we came to America in the first place!" Sebastian said. "As we all know, English fried chicken sucks ass. But American fried chicken, on the other hand, is amazingly flavored. Hence why we are here in New York City to savor the best there is!"

"Wait a minute.." Grell stuck his head out the bathroom entrance. "Sebas-chan, you said we going on vacation to America to "see the sights". Did you really..?"

Sebastian grinned. "Yes, I lied. We came here to savor the best chicken in the world for one day, and one day only."

"Well, if you were only planning on staying here one day, why the FUCK did we waste all of this money on an apartment?" Claude snapped. "A majority of that money was mine!" The grin still stuck to Sebastian's face. "To piss you off, of course."

"You son a-" Ciel waved his finger in a taunting motion. "Uh, uh, uh, there will be no more of that for now. Kindly get up and do as my boyfriend says. We have a busy day ahead of us~."

"Fuck you. Stupid brat." Claude muttered as he headed over to the bathroom, Alois following close behind. "Grell, go cry somewhere else! SOME of us need to use the bathroom!"

"Fine!" Grell sniffled and slipped past Claude, but his sobs only became greater when he saw Sebastian and Ciel making out on his bed. "OHGAWDWHY? And on MY bed? Why are you doing this to me?" Claude rolled his eyes before shutting the bathroom door. "Seriously. Get a room, your horndogs."

"We are in a room!" Ciel shouted in response before returning to his makeout session. Grell and Alois stared at each other in disbelief.

"Yup, this is gonna be a looooong day."

Two hours later..

"Jesus, New York sucks!" Alois complained, staring out the taxi window. "There are too many damn people and no one knows how to drive! Screw America! Japan is the only good country in the world! Why can't we live there?"

"Well, while Japan is awesome, it is extremely expensive to live there." Claude replied gruffly. "Unless you're able to get a job and save up some money, you're gonna have to wait. " Alois sighed. "Fine, then! You always ruin my fun."

"That's what I'm here for."

"Alright, guys, where are you off to, again?" The taxi drive turned his head. "The nearest KFC." Sebastian replied, sticking his head up over the seat. "Make it quick! I wants me some chicken!"

"Okay, okay. Sheesh."

"Oh ehm gee! We're here!" Grell screamed, leaping out of the car and doing a dance in the parking lot. "I sure am hungry, aren't you, Sebby~?"

"Indeed, I am! TO THE CHICKEN!" Sebastian screamed and scooped Ciel into his arms, throwing money at the driver as he bolted through the front door of the restaurant. The other three had no choice but to follow him as they unhappily anticipated the man's attitude when he actually got ahold of the food.

"OH. MY. GOD. THIS. IS. FUCKING. AMAZING!" Sebastian screeched, shoving piece after piece of fried chicken into his mouth. The others could only watch him in disbelief, as they were utterly amazed at his speed of consumption. "I knew it would be as good as I thought it was! I LOVE YOU AMERICA!"

Claude bit off a small piece of a leg. "Hmm. Not bad. Actually, it's pretty good! For once, Sebastian was right about something. I'm so _proud_."

"I'm proud of him too! He gives great blowjobs!" Ciel exclaimed, wrapping his arms around Sebastian's nck. Alois paused and dropped his half eaten wing back onto his plate. "_Right _when I'm eating. Thanks a lot, Ciel." The younger boy smiled. "You're welcome!"

"Well, now that all of you are satisfied, I may as well try some." Grell said, and took a large bite out of a thigh.

Then, everything went black.

When the four men came to, they were laying in the middle of a hallway, and a bunch of men wearing orange jumpsuits were standing over them, murmuring something that they couldn't hear.

Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut and sighed in defeat. "Shit." Claude bravely sat up and looked around. There were barred doors and isolation rooms just about everywhere in sight. The man gulped. The men in the orange suits weren't looking too happy.

"Okay… Why the FUCK are we in prison?"

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**((Oh god, I had so much fun writing this**. **I got the inspiration for this from a short dream I had… They've been pretty crazy lately. I will definitely continue if I get enough reviews/faves. I really wanna do more. I hope you enjoyed it!))**


	2. From Prison to Mexico

"Hey, what the hell are all these lil' pussy-ass bitches doing in here?" One of the inmates growled. "Their asses just popped up out of nowhere!"

'Hey, who you callin' a pussy?" Claude snarled, standing up. "Say that again, I _dare_ you." But the prisoner just laughed in his face and walked away. "Ha, look at you, talkin' all that crap! Your lil' pussy ass can't do shit!"

"Why, you.." Sebastian gulped and turned to the others to avoid Claude's rage, who were all now crowded together in a protective circle. "Alright, so do any of you have any idea what just happened? We've got to figure a way out of this, or we're dead!"

"Well, as soon as I took a bite of that chicken, we all passed out! And somehow… We got here." Grell replied, looking down at the bucket of chicken in his hands. "Could the food have something to do with it?"

"Maybe… I don't think we did anything to get ourselves arrested… Yet." Alois said. "But I don't think it's possible for some fried chicken to move us from one place to another, right? It just doesn't make sense."

Sebastian shook his head. "Who knows. I guess we'll have to test that theory out later. I think we have more important things to deal with at the moment…."

"Who's the pussy ass bitch, now?" Claude screeched, somehow managing to get the prisoner's head in a leg lock. "You were talking all that good shit a minute ago, and now I'm choking the crap out of you! Why don't you do something about it, shitface?" Tears ran down the man's cheeks. "Alright, I'm sorry! Just let me go! Someone, get him the fuck off me!"

The other prisoners shook their heads and turned their attention to Ciel. "Screw him. Now _this_ kid's cute!" One of the men roughly pulled a frightened Ciel onto his lap. "Hahaha, we are _so _gonna make a mess out of his ass!"

"Sebastian! Help!" Ciel screeched, trying to free himself from the man's grasp. And just like that, Sebastian snapped.

"GET YOUR FILTHY FUCKING HANDS OFF MY BOYFRIEND!" Sebastian roared as he tore Ciel from the man's arms and tackled him to the ground. He then proceeded to punch the prisoner in the face until his nose was broken and numerous bruises covered his cheeks. "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!"

"Well, it's official. Both Sebastian and Claude have gone insane." Alois muttered, shaking his head.

"Honestly. How did we go from eating chicken to this?" Ciel shakily replied as he crawled over to join the two. Grell shrugged. "Who knows? Our lives are so screwed up that I can barely keep track of anything anymore."

"Hold it! What's going on here?" A team of officers raced into the hallway, tasers ready and guns drawn. "Who are you people? Release the prisoners and drop the chicken, NOW! Hands behind your head, face to the ground!"

"Aw, crap." Claude released his captive and sunk to the floor in defeat. Sebastian, on the other hand, defied orders and kicked the closest officer in the face. "Hey, fatass, I think it would be a good time to test that theory!" He yelled back at Grell. "Eat the damn chicken!"

"Alright, alright! You're so pushy today." The rest of the officers blinked in confusion. "Wait, wha-" But their voices were dead to the four men as Grell bit into the meat. Once again, their world faded to black, and they finally came to in the middle of a road about twenty minutes later.

"So we were right." Sebastian muttered. "It _was _the chicken."

"Even though that seems to be the case, the concept still seems impossible." Claude replied. "How the HELL are we supposed to believe that a bucket of fried meat teleported us from New York City to a random prison?"

"Believe THAT? Just look where we ended up now." Ciel pointed to a sign that was posted a few feet away that clearly said, "Welcome to Mexico".

"Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me!" Sebastian wailed. "First prison, and now THIS?"

"Ohmygod I don't like Mexico! The people are all so Mexican!" Alois whimpered and latched onto Claude's arm. "What if someone finds us and thinks we jumped the border? I don't wanna get butt raped in jail! Wahhh!" Claude rolled his eyes. "You idiot. That rule only applies to Mexicans jumping the border to get into the United States. They could give a shit less about us."

Grell sighed and put his hands on his hips. "Well, what do we do now? I guess we could try teleporting somewhere else… There are eight pieces of chicken left."

"I wouldn't recommend that." The four men turned to see an attractive young Spanish woman standing behind them. Claude blinked in confusion. "And just who are you?" Sebastian's jaw dropped to the ground. "Holy crap.. She can actually speak English. I didn't know they could do that!"

The girl grinned, stuck out her hand and flashed a peace sign. "Hola, motherfuckers. I think I've got some info on that chicken that ya'll would like to know. Sit ya' asses down and I'll tell ya' everything."

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**((I think I just died laughing again. XD This is so stupid, but so much fun! What will happen to our favorite characters on their chicken-tastic adventure next? Please review/favorite, and I'll gladly write more! :3))**


	3. The Adventure Begins

**New chapter is up~!**

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"Information, huh?" Sebastian asked suspiciously. "Well, I guess we need it, but just who are you..? Ah, I should probably introduce myself.. I'm Sebastian, and this is Ciel, Grell, Alois, and Claude."

"I'm Jasmine. It's nice to meet all yo' motherfuckers and hos." The girl replied proudly. Claude rolled his eyes. "Well, isn't she classy." Jasmine offered him a smile. "Why, thank you!" All Claude could do at this point was stare at her in disbelief.

"Anyways, what do you know about its powers? And how did you figure things out in the first place?" Sebastian asked. "My boyfriend, roommates and I came to America specifically to try some Kentucky Fried Chicken, but we never imagined that this would happen. Does ALL American chicken teleport people to random places against their will?"

Jasmine laughed, shaking her head. "No, no it doesn't. But I can give you some advice, because the same thing happened to me when I first tried KFC. It happened about a year ago when I flew to California to visit family. I was utterly starving when I was left off at the airport, and I bet you can guess what the nearest restaurant was. I had never eaten it before, but I thought I'd give it a try. I bought a jumbo bucket and sat my Mexican-ass down too eat. And soon after I had taken the first bite, I realized that I had somehow been transported to a prison in Germany."

"Before we got here, we teleported to a prison, too!" Alois exclaimed. "We're not really sure where it was, though. We got out of there pretty quickly."

"Well, what happened next?" Sebastian pressed eagerly.

"Well, I obviously realized that the chicken must have something to do with my sudden movement." Jasmine continued. "To test the theory, I ate another piece, and I was right. This time, I ended up in Russia. I did a little digging, and I found out that this happens to every foreigner who tries KFC for the first time."

The four men's mouths dropped open in disbelief. "Are you kidding? Why? That still doesn't make sense."

"It turns out that it's a game that America plays to see if foreigners who come into their country are worthy enough to consume their chicken." Jasmine grinned. "Every time they eat a new piece, they are transported to a random part of the world, which can either be very dangerous or insanely irritating."

"So you're saying that this is some kind of test? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Claude scoffed. "What the hell is the point of that?" The girl shrugged. "Dunno. Dem Americans are loco."

"That's weird. If this happens to every foreigner that eats KFC, wouldn't we have heard about it from somewhere?" Sebastian asked. "You'd think that a lot of people would be talking about teir experiences."

"Nope. Wrong. Most of the foreigners who have attempted the test have failed miserably, and due to that, they are unable to share that information with anyone." Jasmine continued. "Only people who have passed the test can tell people what happened."

"Well, what happens to a person if they failed the test and tried to tell someone about their experiences?" Ciel asked. Jasmine turned to him, still smiling. "They will vomit fried chicken every time they speak of it."

"….Pleasant."

"Okay… So how do you pass this so called test?" Jasmine held up a finger. "Well, it's easier said than done, but you simply have to survive for at least a day in wherever you are transported from. Obviously, if you die, you're screwed. It doesn't matter how many times you try and eat more chicken- you'll stay wherever you are until twenty four hours have passed. Apparently the prison stage doesn't count, though… I guess that's just a warm up."

"Wow, the Americans really are fucked up. This is just wonderful." Claude sighed. "But, I guess we're just going to have to deal with it." Jasmine nodded to Grell. "You. How many pieces have you got left in that bucket?"

"Eight." Grell replied. "So does that mean that we have to teleport to eight different places in eight days?"

"Exactly."

"And what happens at the end if we manage to get out of this?" Alois asked.

"Well, then you'll get teleported to the KFC you started off at. And then you'll be worthy to eat as much chicken as you want for the rest of your life." Jasmine finished.

"Well, it's settled then!" Sebastian yelled, balling his hand into a fist. "WE MUST PASS THIS TEST TO PROVE WE'RE WORTHY OF AMERICAN CHICKEN!" He held out his hand and motioned for everyone to put theirs on top of it. "TO THE KFC!"

No one moved. "Yeah…. No." Claude growled.

"Wait, so does this mean we're gonna be stuck in Mexico for another 23 hours?" Alois whimpered. "Shit. I hope border control doesn't come." Claude slapped him upside the head. "WHAT did I just finish explaining to you? Retard."

"Oh, and one more thing- You have to keep that chicken safe at all costs. If you lose it, you'll all die." Jasmine warned.

"…Once again… What the fuck is wrong with America?" Claude facepalmed. "Do we have no choice in this? Are we, like, fucking irrelevant in the grand scheme of life? I don't know what to do anymore."

"Well, I guess sitting around and complaining isn't gonna do us any good. And so far, Mexico doesn't _look_ very dangerous." Sebastian sighed. "What do you guys wanna do now?" Ciel immediately latched onto Sebastian's arm. "You want to go behind that rock over there and make dirty fuck? I have cocaine and our favorite dildo in my back pocket…."

"Not now, little one." Sebastian teased, ignoring the horrified looks on his roommates' faces. "There are too many people here."

"You really have no standards, do you?" Claude muttered. Jasmine tapped her chin. "Hmm… You hobags wanna go to the market with me? I'm pretty sure they've got some decent food there."

Sure, why not. It's not like we have anything else to do." Grell mused. And with that, the five ventured off into the abyss of Mexico to begin their fucktastic adventures.

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**((XD I'm surprised I'm not dead yet. I'm beginning to think that Claude is the only sane person here. In other news, my friend and I went for fried chicken yesterday.. It was great inspiration for this chapter. ;P As always, please review/fave! I'd love to hear what you think!))**


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